understanding better (it’s called divorce)

Understanding better
…how awful that sounds …

How unnatural it is to cut ties
Why divorce really is so tough

With One in mind,
Leaving no doubt in my mind

But without,
Like others,
Like before,
Since the beginning.

 

It’s not easy focusing on the ugly
The easy road is to stay
In a never-ending cycle
An exhausting one
That wears me thin
Toughens a shell
The shell

That I’m breaking through
And leaving behind.
I understand the shell
I don’t want the shell.
Not this one.
I’m hoping
Hoping it’s possible
To find a home
Without a shell
But if a shell must form
Its the most permeable
Flexible
Vulnerable one out there
And feels like a natural fit.
I’m so ready for my new shell.

Listening to myself
In my old shell
My toughened shell,
Brittle.
I sound brittle.
I don’t enjoy it,
But softening within it
…softening within it
Shrinks me
Keeps me in the cycle
So I keep near the brittle edge
Working away diligently
To break free.
Just release me.

He almost has…
With gritted teeth
So strange how familiar I am
With that anger
He feels and expresses
Towards me,
Since the beginning
Since he first threatened to leave me
For good
If I did take a step back,
For suggesting we take a step back.
Now he won’t let go,
With gritted teeth
He still won’t let go…
“For the girls”

Soon it will be added
“For the tax deduction,
Stay a little longer…”
I want out of this game
Alive,
With an ability to discard
The brittle shell with ease.

His estimated date- October 2.
Seems so far away…

To make it out
Intact
A better person
Intact yet vulnerable
Able to love fully
From an open space
One of free will
Respect
Trust
Honesty
Truth and vulnerability
True love.
That’s what I’m reaching for-
The realization
The relationship
The Union.
Uni being One, the One.

~by Carolyn Bentley (formerly Wells), 2010